The unconscious, unexplained desire to suddenly want to isolate, to push the people around you away, to be alone. Perhaps youre simply exhausted of social interaction, or perhaps youre craving a minute to yourself because within the walls of your own mind, you know youre speaking with honesty, rather than counterfeit words.
The longing to grasp a moment between your fingertips, to hold onto the sentences, the words, the memories and keep them with you. The desire to make time stand still and let your worries fade away rather than have them cycle endlessly through your head.
When you play out an entire conversation in your mind, be it a confrontation, an argument, or a moment that goes terribly wrong, only allowing yourself to fall into inner panic as you fight frustratingly against the bickering in your brain.
Being suddenly reminded of the cold, bitter fact that one day you will no longer occupy this earth. That one day your bones will cease to move your body, your cells and organs and wisdom will deteriorate, and you will be but a memory. Coming to the sudden realization that every moment youve encountered or created is final in the sense that you cannot rewind and live it again, but merely see it fade behind you along with a reel of thousands of other memories, building the filmstrip of your life.
A bittersweet feeling of connection to an author, artist, or creator youve never met, and will never meet because he or she passed away many years ago. Feeling comforted by the ties you feel between the two of you, but also heartbroken that youll never get to experience them face-to-face. All you have is their words, their photos, their paintings, their legacy left behind.
The sudden fear that the relationships you have with the people around you lack depth. Although it seems that you can talk about heartfelt matters with the ones you love, youre suddenly scared that perhaps when the most painful or ecstatic moments of your life occur, you will find that these connections are shallow and guarded.
Being scared to learn the why of something, to discover the background, the origin, the creation, or the truth of what youve experienced simply for fear of ruining the natural beauty of the moment.
Realizing that right now, you are happy. And trying to desperately keep that warm feeling in your chest while simultaneously destroying it by overthinking and analyzing why youre happy, when the last time you felt this happy was, and how long you think youll be happy.
A deep pain that stems from realizing you will never see how the future plays out. That your life will simply end while the world continues on without you, never knowing whether your dreams make it to fruition or the legacy youve passed on is revealed through the next generations.
Feeling anxious, nervous, worried, or strange in your own skin and retracing these feelings back through time, trying desperately to understand their origin or why you feel this way, even when it seems theres real explanation.
The awareness of your heartbeatboth magical and terrifyingas you realize this is the drum beat to your existence, whether wild or dull or steady or foreign. An ever-present reminder that you are here.
Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, , available here.
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