Aries (March 21st April 19th)
Shes loudmouthed, bossy, impatient and impulsive. This girl wont think twice about slashing your tires or lighting your entire closet on fire. Shes undisciplined, action-oriented and fearless. While thats fun in the beginning-all that lack of self-control and devil-may-care attitude-I shed a tear for the person who crosses her. Shell run her mouth about what you did (or maybe something she perceived you did- shes not big on fact checking) to your friends and family, blow up your Facebook with public posts and will flood her Instagram feed with photos of her just hanging out with other people to make you jealous. Shes like a toddler with access to a smartphone and your house keys.
The good news is, because shes so impulsive and doesnt always think things through, chances are shell just destroy the first thing she comes in contact with, be it your brand-new NorthFace jacket, your beat up, virus ridden six-year old laptop, or your ego. As long as you keep the truck locked in the garage and your lucky Von Miller jersey tucked safely away, theyll be safe. She lacks the follow-through to go looking for the stuff you actually care about.
Taurus (April 20th May 20th)
The bull is prone to laziness, possessiveness, jealousy, materialism and penny-pinching. Shes a whole lot of fun in the beginning. Shell treat you like royalty-the lady bull will shower you with gift and home-cooked meals, long, sensuous massages, a powerful sex drive and an unflappable demeanor. That said, once the bloom is off the rose and the Bull settles into her routine is when things can turn ugly.
If she thinks your work-wife is a little too much wife and not enough work, prepare to come home to the Spanish inquisition. If you really cross her, that sweet little Ferdinand lass of yours will turn into Toro the Bull. I hope youve put away your valuables, because theyre about to get smashed to smithereens. When shes really done (and mind you, it takes a while for her to get there, but once shes through, theres no turning back), after the screaming, the stomping, the pouting, the accusations and the destructions of your things (not hers, shes spent way too much money on her things), you better keep an eye on that bank account- especially if its shared. Shell drain you for every penny you have, and not think twice. The bull is soothed by food, wine and material goods, and if she feels youve crossed her, shell think nothing of emptying your pockets for her own satisfaction.
Gemini (May 21st June 20th)
If youve hooked up with a Gemini, youve probably been temporarily blinded by her chatter and charm. Being with a Gemini is like being inside a butterfly pavilion. Everything is so light and easy, so pretty and stimulating, you dont know where to look first. Shell enchant you with her tinkerbell laugh and her childlike interest in everyone and everything. Youll think youve fallen into a land of fairies and pixie dust. Believe me, you havent.
Shes superficial, ADHD, unable to commit, wracked with anxiety and has zero direction.
Everything is new and fun and interesting to her whirling dervish of a mind, that she retains minimal information and is constantly flying off to the next flower. Shes a tease, because she cant settle down with one person but sex is also oftentimes too much for her, so she flits about driving everyone, including her partner, absolutely crazy. Shes also incredibly moody, given her dual nature, and a ball of nerves due to her tendency to bite off more than she can chew.
Cancer (June 21st July 22nd)
If youre with a Cancer, be prepared for the tears. Nonstop. Over everything and nothing. The woman has zero self-esteem and is constantly looking for outside reassurance. At first she may seem interesting and mysterious, due to her hard outer shell, but once youve broken through and committed yourself to her, she turns into a stage 9 clinger.
You better have lots of tissues, endless patience and unlimited minutes and texting on your phone, because she will be on you, 24-7. A night out with the guys is enough to send her into a tailspin for a week. Shes not one to speak her wants and desires, expecting you to read her mind, and becoming livid when you dont. This woman acts like shes PMSing a full 24/7, 365. Cancer is also the sign on the mother, so shell be on your for kids within the first few weeks of dating. Dont trust her when she says shes on the pill- make sure youre double-bagging that thing and always check for pinholes in the condom wrapper.
But hey, its not all bad. Cancer woman tend to have great racks, so if youre a tit-man, youre in for a treat.
Leo (July 23rd August 22nd)
Off with their head! is the Leo womans motto. She doesnt just admire Beyonc- she actually thinks she IS Beyonc, and you, peasant, will treat her as such. She has a jealous streak to rival the Taurus or Scorpio woman, only hers is compounded by a flair for the dramatic as well. Prepare for public fights, drinks to be thrown in your face, screams about how you were lucky she ever spoke to you, how she cant believe she wasted her time with someone only made/did/went to (insert income/job/school here) and will stomp off, after stomping your foot with one of her stilettos.
You might think shed stomped off home, but chances are, once she cooled down a bit, she stomped off to your apartment. You may very well come home to the kitten side of your Leo lady, now that the panther has licked her wounds a bit. Youll find her curled up in your bed, smelling like a whole perfume store, skin glistening, makeup perfectly applied, hair cascading all over her leopard print silk nightie, and practically purring to you how very, very sorry she is.
Just remembereven kittens have claws.
Virgo (August 23rd September 22nd)
The Virgo woman is the original nagger, complainer, and hypochondriac. At first it seems sweet- she shows her affection through acts of service. Shes so is highly organized so youll never have ask twice where your socks are, if a bill has been paid or whats for dinner. It will all be pre-planned and taken care of, complete with an excel spreadsheet and a marked-off Google calendar outlining the next six months.
Slowly thoughthe nagging starts. The criticisms. The phantom sicknesses. Your house will smell like protein powder and B-12 tablets from all the supplements she takes (and will make you take too). What started out as gentle urging to maybe go to the gym more or take that night class will turn into a full-blown criticism of your beer gut and lack of professional ambition. While initially the sex will be earthy and sensual (although there WILL be a towel laid down and dont you DARE get a drop on the sheets), eventually it will dry up completely. If thats not enough to turn you away, the placement of the humidifier, nasal strips, compression socks, white cotton granny panties and neck pillow, to ensure a restful, healthful sheep should make you run for the hills. Unless youre another Virgo, in which case you can live happily in a little hypoallergenic bubble with her till the end of your days.
Libra (September 23rd October 22nd)
Think back to when you met your pretty Libra lady. Remember how she smiled, tossed her hair and gazed at you as if you were the only person on the planet, and the most interesting one to boot? Remember how you left feeling like royalty? Well youre not. She does that with everyone. Its how she gets her way.
It doesnt take long for the psycho to come out in Libra, but shes so skilled at making people see what she wants them to see, you may very well never notice. Shes so socially graceful, so charming, and such a skilled conversationalist that manipulation comes as easy to her as breathing. She has such a wide variety of friends and lovers, and is so adept at keeping these people from meeting, that she doesnt just live a double life, she lives a tripe, quadruple life. But damn if she isnt so sweet and feminine and look to you like the big strong man (or woman) you are that youll ever believe a word Im saying! (Believe me- Im a Libra myself). In the end though, its not the lying, half-truths and manipulating that will do you in- its the indecisiveness. This woman can debate and deliberate till the cows come home. Lucky for you, Libra tends to be rather self-involved, so she probably wont notice that youve packed your bags and left the city till youre long gone. She was too busy debating the merits of ketchup versus catsup.
Scorpio (October 23rd November 21st)
Im not going to even bother explaining how the Scorpio woman reeled you in. Chances are, it was a mixture of sexual titillation, fierce intelligence and The Rules. This woman knows the game, and she plays it perfectly.
Should you cross her thoughwelldont say you havent been warned. Scorpios natural ruler is Pluto, the planet of death, destruction and regeneration. Their secondary ruler is Mars, the planet named after the God of War. Its a potent combination. She can play a long game, and oftentimes will. Here is the woman that will live with the knowledge of your affair for months on end, smiling sweetly at you the whole time, while putting arsenic in your coffee. Here is the woman who will track down the person youre sleeping with and begin torturing them with anonymous notes and threats, hang-up phone calls, drive-bys and all other sorts of mental manipulation. Miss Scorpio will do it so craftily everyone will think that your lover is the crazy one. Here is the woman that will, in the end, find your prized possessions and light them on fire, while she makes you watch, and then walk out the door with your childhood best friend, who shed locked under her spell from the first moment she found out youd wronged her. Revenge isnt just a dish best served cold- its her favorite dish in the world.
Sagittarius (November 22nd December 21st )
Sags, the archers of the zodiac, are known for their athleticism, sense of humor and chummy attitudes. Never ones to take themselves seriously, they are the proverbial lampshade-on-the-head party girls, and their live-and-let-live attitude and bawdy jokes will have you clutching your sides. Much like their male counterparts, the archer lady doesnt see the point in dilly-dallying around before jumping into bed with you. The reason youll stay? Even though shes easy, she has almost no-hang ups about antiquated notations of female sexuality, and she wont blow up your phone with questions about Where is this going? or I never do that, I hope you dont think Im a slut!
The real reason shes not blowing up your phone? Shes too busy doing it with everyone. The woman has no concept of fidelity, and when you catch her cheating for the seventh or eighth time (and she wont try and hide it, Sags are all about honesty), shell be baffled as to why youre mad. Shell then becoming incensed that you are trying to own her, and the dishes will fly. Along with the television. And the radio. And your weight set. And anything else she can get her hands on. All the while shes destroying your house, shell be telling you exactly how SHE feels, with zero regard to your feelings in the coarsest language possible. My best advice for the person dating the Sagittarius lady? Go into it viewing the relationship as fun, not fidelity, dont ever except to tie her down and make sure youve got the number for a good clinic on speed dial in case you need an emergency shot of penicillin for when she comes back from her road trip from Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas- except for that pesky case of the clap she brought home with her.
Capricorn: (December 22nd January 19th)
Chances are you met your Capricorn lady somewhere defined as classy, like a high-end auction, law-firm meetup group or interning at the White House. Thats because the girl has goals. Shes ambitious in the truest sense of the word, and nothing stops her from achieving her goals. Not even you. Especially you.
Shes the kind of girl you can take home to mom, with her twinsets, pearls and perfectly highlighted hair. Shes extremely intelligent, and will be able to talk recipes with your mother and politics with your father. Shes a firecracker in the bedroom, and most kinks wont make her bat an eye. But before you sit there thinking whats the problem? lets take a look at YOU, dear reader. Chances are, youve got a family with money, connections or some sort of family name. Shes not with you because she likes you. Shes with you because of what she can get from you. Youre nothing but a peg on her way to the top, and once shes reached the top of whatever it is shes chosen (and believe me, she will), youll have served your purpose and be tossed aside. If the sex was good she may keep you around for a couple more years to release her frustrations, or even convince you to marry her, but proceed with caution. The Capricorn lady only has #1 in mind, and that sure as hell aint you.
Aquarius: (January 20th February 18th)
The water-bearers are charming and quirky. You probably met her when she was volunteering at the animal shelter you adopted your dog at. Shell always be unconventional and intellectual, and probably seems fairly easy going and upbeat. Shes the truest humanitarian, and knows her mind- when she makes a decision, she sticks with it.
Things will start to sour when all that unconventional, quirky energy becomes just plain annoying. Youll struggle to follow her logic since shell speak in obscure quotes and non-sequiturs. Aquarius being the most detached sign of the zodiac, youll find she doesnt really have any friends, just tons of different acquaintances from different backgrounds she collects. She has no idea how to relate to another person, be it physically or emotionally, so when your grandmother dies and youre weeping and distraught, shell probably just stare at you and wonder why youre crying- the woman was 87 years old, after all.
She wont waste much time worrying about it beyond that, and just shrug her shoulders and stick her nose back in her book about underwater basket weaving or whatever asinine subject shes interested in at that moment. Sexually shes incredibly selfish- again, because, its because shes got a loner complex and is completely disconnected from her partner or friends. Shell let you do all the work, never once thinking to reciprocate. Eventually you probably wont even be the one to leave- youll just wake up one day and find that shes up and left the country to work with underprivileged llamas in Nepal, leaving behind nothing but her astronomy diorama and a few science fiction books she couldnt fit in her suitcase.
Pisces (February 19th March 20th)
No doubt you met this girl at a bar, because she loves to get her drink on. And her coke on. And her molly on. Anything to get blotto. Pisces are the addicts of the zodiac. While at first all that drinking and recreational drug use seems fun and free-spirited, it quickly turns into a string of crushing hangovers, accompanied by an empty bank account from all those trips to the bar.
The Pisces woman has even less ambition than the Gemini. Oh shell work if she has to, but she prefers to spend her days and nights at the bottom of a bottle, writing poetry that makes no sense, smearing paint on a canvas or simply staring at the sky. Shes got a martyr complex, and youre fights will start because you have no idea what its like to be her. Shell become morose and dark, speaking in short phrases and thinly veiled suicide attempts. Occasionally youll see her temper come out, with its drunk, lashing tongue and uncontrollable crying fits. Eventually youll recover from this one in a rehab facility of your own, once you finally realize that all the tears, booze and drugs were never really going to end in suicide and finally get up the strength to come up for air and dry off and dry out from your Pisces lady.
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