The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read, Week 3 Night 2: Paradise Is Worse Than A Russian Orphanage

And we’re back for yet another exciting night of this week. I’m not even going to fuck with the pleasantries here, let’s just get this shit show started, k?

THE ROSE CEREMONY CONT’D

We pick back up with the rose ceremony, which I have been waiting patiently for for 24 fucking hours. I swear to god Chris Harrison if you tease this ceremony for another 30 minutes I am out forever will still be here waiting patiently.

Daniel, the one Canadian who actually wants to be in this garbage country rn, is back and Lacey practically orgasms at the sight of him. Daniel is acting like he’s the great white hope of Paradise. No, really, those are his exact words. Because no woman can resist being called a washed-up street dog, obviously.

Lacey immediately grabs Daniel for some alone time and I am v worried for this girl. She’s had literally every man on this island turn her down. She really needs a win rn.

LACEY: I just want to rip his shirt off. He’s so smart and beautiful and perfect.

ME: We’re talking about Daniel here, right?

Jesus, Lacey is coming on so strong rn. Maybe it’s not her best move to be like “thank god you’re here, Daniel, no one else wants me. Not one single soul” right off the bat? Idk. Just a thought.

God, this is so painful to watch. But not as painful as listening to Daniel refer to the other girls without roses as “club girls at 3am.” Wait. Spoke too soon—he just insinuated Lacey was the “leftover scraps” of Paradise. TO HER FACE. And she seems into it. I’m dead.

Daniel talks to Christen next and seems to only be into her because she’s a virgin. I can’t decide who I’m more disgusted by here, Daniel for being a pig or Christen for looking way too into it. 

^^Also, never forget

Jasmine is next on the chopping block to talk to Daniel and she is coming off as very desperate strong. She’s really pulling out all the stops here to secure a rose. Her cleavage is on point and she’s got her whole body draped in front of Daniel’s face. Honestly, it’s the right move. She is dealing with Daniel here. Unfortunately for her, Daniel is on the spectrum and can’t pick up on social cues not interested in her.

DANIEL: I don’t want a girl who’s interested in my rose, I want a girl who’s interested in my dick.

Mmhmm, yes, I believe Gandhi said that as well.

Okay, this rose ceremony is intense AF. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been waiting for 24 hours to see if  Dean chooses D-Lo and sends me into a rage blackout or maybe it’s because there are so many love triangles with ugly dudes, either way my anxiety is through the roof. The rose ceremony goes as such:

Daniel goes first and picks… LACEY. OMFG. I thought for sure this girl and her heavy eyeliner were going home. Man, life is crazy.

Jack Stone picks Christen. I guess making out with anyone who has a penis is a solid strategy here.

WAIT MATT IS BACK. WTF. I AM SHOOK.

Matt is back but just for the rose ceremony because he is clearly still terrified of Jasmine. He says this whole romantic speech about how Jasmine deserves to still find love and blah, blah, blah. He offers her a pity rose to stay in Paradise and hopefully fixate all of her choking fantasies on someone else. Clearly he’s still working through his PTSD. And Jasmine looks about as excited to accept his rose as a person is to accept a colonoscopy procedure.

ANYWAY, back to the roses:

Derek picks Taylor. Gag me.

Robby picks Amanda.

Diggy picks Dom.

Adam picks Raven. Sorry, Sarah, but being cute and smart and cuddling and super into someone means nothing if you don’t have a rack personality as great as Raven’s.

Dean is next and I am on the edge of my fucking seat waiting to see who he chooses. I swear to god if he picks D-Lo over Kristina I will be forced to unfollow him on Instagram. Trust me, you do NOT want to feel my wrath, Deanie Babies.

DEAN: Kristina is the right option, but D-Lo is the option I want to bang more.

ME:

Annnddd Dean chokes out “Kris” before his dick could yell out Danielle L. Seriously, it sounded like his choice Kristina’s name physically caused him pain. Whatever. I am beyond pleased with his choice. I don’t think I could take one more person in my life whom I have never met before and should not be emotionally dependent on let me down.

BUT WAIT Ben Z picks D-Lo and the bitch is still here to fuck with Kristina and her happy ending. Also, love the shade D-Lo just threw at Dean with that “I wouldn’t have accepted anyone else’s rose” comment. Sure, Jan.

Sarah and Alexis are both going home and ABC should be ashamed of how they underutilized Alexis. ASHAMED.

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

THE NEXT DAY

It’s the day after the rose ceremony and the cast is woken up by what appears to be extras from the set of . I should be more fascinated by this turn of events but I’m still emotionally reeling from last night’s rose ceremony.

CHRISTEN: I had no idea summo wrestling was a thing in Mexico.

And this is what’s wrong with America’s education system, right there.

It’s a new day for Lacey and she’s really feeling invigorated by Daniel’s “last scraps” comment attention. She practically begs Daniel for his date card and Daniel promptly turns her down. This interaction is so hard to watch. But I. Can’t. Look. Away.

Daniel decides to test drive every girl on this island except the one who is actually into him because that’s how this world works. Christen makes the mistake of bringing up food in front of him and he immediately turns it into something sexual about his penis. Modern dating, ladies and gentlemen.

Daniel eventually picks Lacey for his date and I can breathe easy knowing that this girl isn’t about to drown herself in the ocean over a guy who wears a Speedo with the Canadian flag on it.

Oh god, the professional tickler is here and I just vomited a little in my mouth. ABC, this season is trash. Where are the men the girls would actually want to hook up?? 

WHERE.

You can tell Chris Harrison 100 percent asked for a bonus when they told him he had to be in the same room as this guy again. He’s said the word “creep” no less than 5 times in the two minutes he had to be in Jonathan’s presence.

The Tickler gets a date card and Jasmine and Christen are just desperate enough to be into it. Raven is like “he’s actually really cute and really nice and also probably rich AF a doctor what more could you want??” Um, I would want for him to leave those big, creepy tickling hands out of foreplay. Thx.

We now move on to Daniel and Lacey’s date and there’s honestly not enough alcohol in my system for me to watch this shit. Like, are they wrestling actual pro wrestlers? Is this even legal?

I’m watching Daniel strut around this wrestling match that looks like it was filmed in someone’s mother’s basement and all I can think is, Lacey how can you want this in a suitor? HOW? Honestly I don’t understand and I can’t bring myself to care. I won’t do it.

So Dean picks Kristina last night, makes her give him a sad hand job in the cabana, and now he’s ignoring her? That’s what you’re telling me rn?

Okay, Dean is a flaming pile of dog shit. Watching him explain that Kristina is the perfect woman for him but the he just wants to bang Danielle L is making me want to commit a homicide rn. Kristina is full of so many valid points too. 

KRISTINA: I really care about you. But, whatever, go do what you want. Go fuck other girls. I just don’t want to be here to watch it.

DEAN: K.

Christen and Jonathan go out on a date and Jonathan brings these tiny finger puppet hands with him. TINY FINGER PUPPET HANDS. Christen is chugging wine at a rapid pace to compensate and honestly so am I.

Christen looks so ratchet on this date. Her hair extensions are, like, sweating off her head and every inch of her skin is sweating scallop juice. This date is what my nightmares are made of.

HOLY SHIT. Did he just place those tiny hands on her cheeks while they made out?  DID HE?? 

Elsewhere, Lacey and Daniel are trying to flirt with each other while the audience back home I try not to gag. Jasmine comes in to interrupt them and Lacey looks like she may or may not throw acid on her later. I honestly don’t know who I’d be more afraid to steal a man from, Jasmine or Lacey. It’s too frightening to contemplate.

Christen and The Tickler get back from their date and Jack Stone is looking at him like he can’t decide which body part to dismember first. I suggest his fingers. Get him where it hurts the most, Jack.

Meanwhile, Dean is feeling up D-Lo in the pool while Kristina watches from afar. He’s keeps saying bullshit like “I could fall in love with you” to D-Lo and those are fighting words, Dean. Seriously, I legit want to fight you right now.

Quote of the season: “The orphanage was better than Paradise.” —Kristina watching Dean dry hump D-Lo in the pool.

^^My current situation rn. EVERYTHING’S FINE. DON’T LOOK AT ME.

CORINNE TELLS ALL

Obviously the natural segue here is to move into Corinne’s tell all about the sexual assault scandal. But of course before that they bring out some of the cast mates to talk about Island drama and makeout skills as one does before diving into the hard-hitting issues of consent and slut-shaming. ABC, you are really testing my fucking patience this week.

They also bring out Matt and Jasmine to rehash their relationship. I’m v nervous for Matt rn because Jasmine has had weeks to sit and stew over his ass and got some very regrettable bangs that would stir up rage in even a sane person. I doubt a lawsuit would stop her from beating the shit out of him on national television. *turns up the volume*

After 20 minutes of wasting my goddamn time they finally bring Corinne out and she looks good AF. Her hair extensions look less club hoe chic and more talk show appropriate. Scandal really suits her. Though it is not lost on me that Corinne is wearing a white dress for this interview. I’m guessing that the vibe they’re going for here is very virginal and pure and not like she parties with pills and booze. Which might have worked if not for the massive cleavage. Not slut-shaming, just pointing out the tactical error.

Corinne admits to drinking too much and also taking some medication that she shouldn’t have mixed with alcohol. Honestly, the whole thing is very sketchy. She mentions “weaning” herself off said medication but, like, wtf is this medication??

CHRIS: Can you tell us the name of the medication that causes you to not remember certain events?

(Also can you tell me? Asking for a friend…)

Key points from this interview: She doesn’t blame DeMario or the Bachelor franchise for anything that happened. She does blame the media and feels like she’s a “victim” from their unrelenting gossip. I don’t love that she keeps calling the situation “annoying” though. Like, yes, you’re inconvenienced but DeMario’s life is low-key ruined sooo.

CHRIS: How tough was it for you to watch this montage of the worst moment in your life?

CORINNE: Bitch, are you serious?

I feel for Corinne, I really do. The whole situation is so fucked up. It’s clear she’s gone through some shit and, like, the whole fucking world is Team DeMario and blaming her for what happened even though it’s not really her fault. *cough* TAYLOR *cough*  Throughout this whole conversation no one once uses the words “consent” or “sexual assault” and I hate that they made her apologize for the scandal. This was no one’s fault except maybe that fuckboy of a producer who started this mess in the first place.  

Whatever. All in all I’m pretty disgusted with ABC and not in, like, a Daniel-just-said-something-repulsive-about-bacon kind of way. I’m into watching trash TV, not humans being trashed by the media. Do better, ABC. 

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